The State of My Head

As I don’t post here very much at all, I know there aren’t many of you who read this blog, I’m just not sure what auto-publicise options are in place, but either way it works well for me because I feel a little more comfortable being candid. See.. I lost my job last September and I’m still unemployed. I had high hopes that I’d get a job back at the place I worked last Summer but for some reason, despite being told, “We’ll definitely get back to you in a couple of days.” I heard nothing. Nada. I also didn’t get the bookshop job I so desperately wanted and honestly it has severely knocked my confidence. Why don’t they want me? I know I’m fantastic at customer service but how can you show that in a written application that’s just shoved in a pile? How can the new management know that at my old job when they only saw what they saw from a back room? What chance do I have if jobs around here go to management’s friends? Am I just not good enough? I know that last question is silly but when I’m constantly being told no or not even being given the time of day for that little phone call just to say “sorry but not this time”, my confidence can’t help but be knocked. I keep looking but I’m not counting my chickens right now.

On top of that I still have the depression and anxiety to deal with. Around Christmas I had to see a certain doctor who decided as I was fine (around fucking Christmas!) he wanted to knock down the doseage of my meds to 20mg from 40mg because of potential heart problems. Okay then. So I went down to 30mg and that was fine. Went back in January right after Christmas not long after I’d got back from being home so long and a different doctor knocked it down again to 20mg. My depression didn’t like that. Poor Dan had to deal with me randomly crying and shouting and refusing to get out of bed and everything had a grey sheen. It wasn’t pleasant. I finally got around to going back and saw yet another doctor, this one I hadn’t seen before however. She was lovely and said that she didn’t recommend patients reducing their medication in the middle of January because .. well it’s just silly. Everybody gets a little low in the Winter. Apparently the rule is more that they prefer patients to be on the lowest dose that manages their condition and the heart problems worry is more for older patients, she has never seen a problem with it. So we went back up to the 30mg and I’m still waiting for them to kick in..

Saturday I had a particularly bad anxiety day which spilled over into Sunday. I’m still now panicking that I’ve pissed everybody off. The trouble with anxiety flare ups is I just lose control.. I get angry and I say things (which are uncalled for and I later regret) and at the time I don’t even realise how unpleasant I’m being. Again, poor Dan.

Despite it all, I try to keep going. I’m very easily affected by other people’s bad moods so when I do manage to get happy it doesn’t tend to last long but I try. It just gets harder and harder when shit keeps going wrong..