Dreams Are Just That

So I meant to post about my mum.. Apparently I really needed to post about my mental health. Oo

See I dreamt about her last night. Brief bit of back story: I don’t really have a relationship with her. I tried for years but she just didn’t seem to give a shit. She never sat down to have a conversation with me when I visited, she’d leave me to watch tv with the kids. I think she pretty much just took me for granted. She turned up at the house when my dad was fixing her car (yes, the only time she’d show up) and I happened to be in the kitchen so I went and said hello and my god it was the most awkward thing ever. I’m a stranger to her since I grew up and she doesn’t know how to talk to me anymore, and I just.. don’t care. Except deep down I must. I don’t think it’s a case of “I still love my mum” because I find that impossible sadly when she can’t be arsed to give a crap, it’s a case of I wish my mum would just show that she cares. Call me to say happy birthday, send me a text to say she’s changed her number, ask how I am and mean it. The last time I spoke to her was when my nanny (her mum) died last year. My dad had to give me her number, because she hadn’t bothered, so that I could call her and just talk. Say sorry for her loss and… she didn’t care. I didn’t know what to say. She didn’t know what to say. I’ve never felt so awkward..

This dream.. I was visiting her. It was the first time I’d seen her in a long time and it was like some alternate reality I swear. Her has was clean and tidy, she looked clean and tidy, she was genuinely smiling and talking to me. And apparently she was rich because somehow she’d just spent hundreds of pounds without an issue. She’d bought me presents. A necklace loosely based on the Mad Hatter’s tea party. Very pretty pendant with a teapot and sparkling teacups. There was a handheld type thing.. it was basically a massively bulky ipad but it was so light and I loved it. And finally, a shining silver pocket watch. Very elegant and perfect. Must have cost her hundreds as she’d had it specially crafted just for me. She’d also bought £100’s worth of books from The Book People (they had some buy books, get an equal amount free deal on) because she wanted to get back into reading. There was a lot of history and contemporary fiction it was nothing like what I know my mum is into but she was trying something new and she vowed to let me have my pick of all of the books she was getting rid of.

These kinds of dreams are the weirdest because I know that when I wake up, that relationship just doesn’t exist.

I’m just very lucky to have the amazing dad that I do.