Until I Collapse

Tonight, something inside me just collapsed. As you must know I’ve been struggling lately. I’ve been getting stressed which has caused my anxiety to flare up which combines in this great cloud of stress-anxiety which switches on the depression leaving a weight on my chest and the easiest person to snap. Some days I do a little better than others and honestly today started out as one of those. I’d got my character in World of Warcraft to 85 which was great and okay, I was stressing about getting many things done before work but happy times. I ate a pack of Chilli Doritos and a Boost on my way to work, and I was working with Matty (Dan’s brother) both of which were awesome. I spent a shift being way too tired to function correctly but customers were a delight to serve, everyone was great.. and then the end of the shift happened.

We have to sweep and mop at the end of the evening and usually one person will do one and one will do the other. Matty asked if he could sweep tonight so yeah, I agreed to mop. When we closed up the shop, I quickly finished getting a bit of stock out and took the cardboard out back to be recycled. I then went into the kitchen to fill the mop bucket before tidying the shelves a bit (fronting up), just so that it’s ready. Which is when the following conversation happened in increasingly raised voices.

*I walk into kitchen past the store room*
Colleague: There’s stock there. (which initially I heard as “why is there stock there?”)
Me: Okay.
Colleague: Well don’t just walk past it, put it out.
Me: I didn’t know it needed to go out..
Colleague: Well I just told you.
Me: No you didn’t.
Colleague: Yes I did! I just told you! Now put it out! *colleague walks off*
(this is the point in which I wondered why colleague didn’t do it..)
*I go put stock out, which happens to simply be a few toilet rolls*
*I start crying and snap*

The problem with this particular colleague is that they don’t ask. They never say please. They just expect you to take their orders and demands. There’s no “Please could you do this?” just “Well, err, do it.” They talk to us like we’re primary school kids and are utterly hypocritical. They make up stupid rules, they tell you not to slouch.. They even said the other night after I said I’d done some date checking, “Well you didn’t do a very good job of it because I just had to take a load of the cucumbers off.” This is my number one fear and paranoia working here. That I am a waste of space and comments like this do nothing to help. Being spoken down to makes me think that they see me as a crap worker that doesn’t deserve to be spoken to like a human being because I can’t do my job properly anyway so I therefore must be incompetent. And it’s not just me! That’s the worst part. It’s Matty. And it’s Dan. Christ it’s worse with Dan. They really don’t like him for some reason and I’ve had enough. We’ve tried talking to the manager in the past and he’s done nothing about it.

Something inside of me just collapsed tonight. I’ve had enough. I don’t know how to keep surviving through life right now. If I wasn’t working with Matty tonight, I don’t know how that would have ended. Would I have been able to do the mopping at all? Could I have fronted up the shelves as I did? If Matty wasn’t there, there would have been nobody asking me if I was okay. Or to talk to about stars and frozen planets and the history of the evolution of homo sapiens.

I don’t know what to do. The mentioned colleague isn’t the only one driving me insane. There’s another making people feel like shit. There are passive aggressive notes left lying around. “Staff. [long note explaining how some people did something wrong] If this is how you treat your job then I find it hilarious! What happened to team work?!” And apparently this is okay. I’ve reached my breaking point. Talking to management doesn’t work. I can’t quit. And work is very sparse at the moment and this job ends November. I need a safety blanket to help me through this part of my life but I honestly feel so alone in what’s happening. There’s no comfort and I can’t rely on people forever.

3 thoughts on “Until I Collapse”

    1. I genuinely didn’t notice that, hehe.

      Love you <3 just wish all that could actually snap my brain back to normal. I know she's not worth it but it doesn't change a thing. 🙁

  1. Oh sweetheart, sending you loads of hugs and love.
    You know, people like that? They’re the ones who aren’t worth your emotional wellbeing going down. People like that? They’re the ones that will have regrets at the end of their lives when they have no one to visit them in their funeral homes (if they don’t get murdered by someone who’s decided they’ve had enough of being spoken to like that!). They’re the ones who had the problems in their lives, that are doing everything they can to hurt everyone else around them so they’re not the only ones being miserable. Even though it may not seem it? People like that? They are the ones who aren’t fulfilled in their lives, and likely never will be.
    YOU on the other hand? You are a sweet, sensitive, fun person who’s brain’s chemicals don’t quite work right. Something that isn’t to do with you as a person, your personality, or anything else like that. YOU are much better than *those* sort of people ever will be purely because you are YOU. Unique. Our flaws are what make us real. What’s the quote again? “I myself am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions”. YOU are that person.
    The one who’s being an ass and those like them? They don’t have the good intentions, because they don’t have enough humanity to be able to.
    TLDR: You’re AWESOME and don’t you dare let anyone else rain on your parade, because you are worth SO MUCH MORE than that. SO MUCH.

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